Jesus Took Care Of His Mama
This morning as I sat in the quiet just before dawn, the quiet that has become worth less sleep to attain (listen to me when I say waking up before my kids did not become a part of my routine until Daily was two), I was listening to a daily podcast called Pray As You Go. They are short ten to fifteen minute scripture readings with spiritual direction type questions that follow. The readers are from the UK, which adds a layer of lovely to the words. The scripture today was John 19:25-27 and I was immediately taken back to a profound moment in my motherhood journey.
There were many days, just a couple years ago, that I would deeply question the absolute work and exhaustion of motherhood. In my dark places I would be overtaken with fear that all I was pouring out didn't guarantee the makings of functional, thankful, lovely adults and that they may grow up to hate me and God and that would mean all I was doing was for nothing. I was wrestling with what felt like a lack of biblical direction as a mom, feeling like the only specific mom directed scriptures were filled with holes. I wanted to hear from Mary and what it was REALLY like mothering Jesus and her other children. I wondered about her struggles and joys and so desperately wanted to hear her penned words. I still wonder and cannot wait to hear from her one day.
Daily, number three, was born right after Christmas and as we huddled in our small home through those winter months with a newborn, Lent was approaching. I generally felt a twinge of guilt thinking about Lent because I couldn't bare the thought of giving ANOTHER thing up when I felt like motherhood had taken all the extras away in this specific season. But I found myself wanting to be intentional about Lent somehow with a kindergartener, a three year old, and a two month old. I wanted to be pressing into the hard to know the grace available to me.
I had heard of the She Reads Truth Bible studies and I snagged their 2015 Lent study. I thought to myself, "this is a no pressure deal. I don't even have to finish the Lent study within the Lent time frame. I want to finish, but I'm holding on to slow and steady." Most of this study was done in the middle of the night as I waited for
my infant to settle into sleep between feedings. I was mad a lot when I read the verses. I was questioning and doubtful and many times the fears I mentioned above would engulf me. Nearing the end of the study the verses from John 19:26-27 JUMPED out at me. They read,
There were many days, just a couple years ago, that I would deeply question the absolute work and exhaustion of motherhood. In my dark places I would be overtaken with fear that all I was pouring out didn't guarantee the makings of functional, thankful, lovely adults and that they may grow up to hate me and God and that would mean all I was doing was for nothing. I was wrestling with what felt like a lack of biblical direction as a mom, feeling like the only specific mom directed scriptures were filled with holes. I wanted to hear from Mary and what it was REALLY like mothering Jesus and her other children. I wondered about her struggles and joys and so desperately wanted to hear her penned words. I still wonder and cannot wait to hear from her one day.
Daily, number three, was born right after Christmas and as we huddled in our small home through those winter months with a newborn, Lent was approaching. I generally felt a twinge of guilt thinking about Lent because I couldn't bare the thought of giving ANOTHER thing up when I felt like motherhood had taken all the extras away in this specific season. But I found myself wanting to be intentional about Lent somehow with a kindergartener, a three year old, and a two month old. I wanted to be pressing into the hard to know the grace available to me.
I had heard of the She Reads Truth Bible studies and I snagged their 2015 Lent study. I thought to myself, "this is a no pressure deal. I don't even have to finish the Lent study within the Lent time frame. I want to finish, but I'm holding on to slow and steady." Most of this study was done in the middle of the night as I waited for
my infant to settle into sleep between feedings. I was mad a lot when I read the verses. I was questioning and doubtful and many times the fears I mentioned above would engulf me. Nearing the end of the study the verses from John 19:26-27 JUMPED out at me. They read,
When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, "Woman, behold, your son!" Then He said to the disciple, "Behold, your mother!" From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.
When I read this verse in the middle of the dark night my heart started racing. Jesus, Son of God, took care of his mother as his life was ending. He was saving the world and He still thought of his mom. I could barely take it in. I felt seen as Jesus saw his mother. I cried at the wonder of it all. I do not have to fight for God's attention. I do not have to do it all to please Him. I do not have to question my worth. We are seen in our loving and serving. In the serving and the hoping and the wanting for our kids and our families we are tenderly loved by our dear Father. And what's more, Jesus, Mary's son on earth, took care of her with his dying breath. God's goodness free's us to live in the middle of His loving gaze and the truth that He will be faithful to us as we die to ourselves in serving our babies.
This moment of light when winter was still holding on, though the date on the calendar had me hoping for spring, God put truth in my heart. He shows up. He is trustworthy. He finds us when we can't find Him.
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| Daily at 3.5 months I remember being SO tired, but I also remember God being SO good. |
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