A Little Romance Today

I'm sitting in the middle of kidland, trying to find some sense of myself as an adult. I'm drawing on the Magnadoodle as yelps and screams fade in and out of earshot, the kids running some imaginary obstacle course around the house. I'm finding myself longing for my plot line to thicken, for my character to find some mystery, for the person calling for me not to be a child who needs a nose wiped. I pen the words La La Land on the Magnadoodle and find myself humming "City of stars, are you shining just for me?" Who doesn't love a good dose of romance?

I think the thing I'm longing for somewhere in the mindless chaos is the hope that I'm still a character of interest. I want my character to develop beyond the frazzled frizz ball who can't keep herself together once Dad walks in the door. It really is amazing how a couple hours alone to reconnect with my soul has me slowly, slowly, slowly feeling like Sonnie Shay again. The noise of motherhood makes it difficult for me to remember who I am and who I want to be. I feel a fog thickening around my spirit in the touching and asking and wanting and crying. And really, as Phil and I journey to equip our kids to live full, God centered lives, I want to be more than an empty shell with an empty nest. I want a life of passion and hope and drive even while I mother.

So I'm writing now, in my longing, as my kiddos play a game that has them bursting into fake tears every couple of minutes (every mom's favorite game, am I right?) to push into a passion, a truth telling passion. In this season I'm finding that getting up early for quiet coffee making and un-structured time with Jesus makes me a better mom. Time with Jesus that looks different from day-to-day including scripture, or a podcast, or music, or journaling, or a combo of some sort reminds me that God wants me. He finds me interesting and beautiful despite obvious shortcomings. Oh the sweet relief. I haven't always been an up-before-the-kids type of mom, but for a little over a year now it has been a saving grace. Sleep was my saving grace before that (and still is some mornings when I can't get up).

I'm also finding that day-dates with Phil are much more romantic. We have more of our selves to give each other. Night time dates usually have me blurting out half formed sentences with more sass then I intended cause we did the whole day already and I can't do much more past 6pm. It really is small things in this season that keep me feeling alive in my own skin. We all have to journey to find what those things are, the things that make us feel like intriguing characters despite the monotony surrounding us. Spending a season of time watching the West Wing made me feel like I was part of something bigger than myself, imagined yes, but still really fun. Wearing matching undergarments gives me a little pep in my step even if my clothes over top aren't much to speak of. A middle of the day iced coffee makes me feel kinda fancy. Listening for Jesus' loving whispers while driving, while soothing my teary child, while washing dishes pulls me into His story in the middle of the normal.

As I was grappling with all of these thoughts, desiring my character, my personhood, my soul to feel a little romance, a spark; Rock randomly came up and gave me a hug to tell me he loved me with the sweetest eye contact and resolve. This all preceded an evening of connection and understanding with Phil that filled me up exceedingly. These are the moments God orchestrates as we resign the "what should be's." He surprises us. So I sing over you fellow mom's, "Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you and everything you do." And I pray a little romance over your day today.