Right Now

I had a really strange flash-forward thought this afternoon. Phil and I were chatting through the details of driving to Ohio to visit his family for Christmas and all the sudden I had this mental picture of Rock and his cousin Gideon, who happens to be a year and a day younger than him, as teenagers. They were all bundled up and were headed out the door to go do something teenagers do. I was snuggled on my in-laws couch and I yelled after them as they walked out the door to "have fun" and "be safe"...very generic parent-like stuff to say. At this point in time Rock is a year and a half and Gideon is six months old, but there they were in my day dream...looking like young men. Totally took me off guard.

I tend to live my life waiting for the next thing: the next vacation to be excited about, Rock's next doctor check-up, the next adventure. Sometimes I think I live in the future because my day seems dull...nothing note-worthy or purposeful. The sad part about it is in reality the waiting seems to make me less thankful for today and disappointed in the things I'm waiting for.

A couple months ago Phil bought an iPhone app for the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go. I'd never read the book before and as Rock "read" the book on my iPhone for the first time I think I was just as captured into the story as he was. Here's a snippet of the book...a part that caught my attention the first time I read the words and still reminds me what's important.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

And just for today the Boom Bands were playing for me. I wasn't worried about what's next but was able to engage in the right now. Right now seeing Rock snuggle with his blanket makes every thing seem alright. Right now Rock's hair is long and shaggy and slightly out of control, but it's perfect. Right now Phil and I are building a foundation for our marriage to stand on that lasts the rest of our lives. Right now I am learning 80 million things that most definitely don't make a whole lot of sense and I'm ok with it. Right now we are figuring out our dreams and hopes and it doesn't matter that we feel a little lost.

Right now (today) I felt like I was living...not just waiting for something I truly can't predict anyway and it felt good. Because as scary as it feels to write this...Rock is going to actually be a young man walking out the front door, not just in my day dream and I want to LIVE everyday until that happens. I don't want to wake up at that moment just to realize I blew all the meaning away.

I am reminded how much I want to fight for today. My soul and deep down in my bones I want today to matter.