I'm Supposed to Die

I forget the humanity of Jesus. Easily. The fully God and fully human concept is incredibly difficult for me to understand, so I tend to leave out the human part. I think maybe I am so unlike God that I wonder how in the world an actual person could be fully Him.

I've been slowly but surely reading through the book of Matthew and a couple days ago I landed on chapter 26. My initial thought before I started reading was, "crap, this is one of those long chapters." That is how mature my thoughts are most of the time. I started reading and verses 36-46 broke my heart.

The scene unfolds with Jesus taking his disciples to a place called Gethsemane right after they shared the very first Lord's Supper together. Jesus was going to die soon and he needed to pray and he needed his friends with him. Once they got there the end of verse 37 says, "...He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, '"My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."' I was stunned thinking, "Jesus sounds just like me." He needs his Father and he needs his friends and he is full of sorrow.

As I was thinking through what it might have been like to switch places with Jesus in the same moment, I realized it WAS supposed to be me. I was supposed to be murdered, not Jesus. I forget every day that I'm supposed to be dead. Instead I live my life believing that I am good enough, that my downfalls and pitfalls aren't that bad, that defending myself is a worthy cause. How could I forget this stuff??? How could I believe that pride isn't full of darkness and judgment is somehow acceptable?

I am reminded again that Jesus was in all ways human...he was murdered, he was scared, and he needed his Father to carry out what was in front of him. The plan to literally save the world was carried out through him and he overcame his humanity to save me. Um...what??? and um...WOW.

The very first time I ever remember truly laying myself down before God was in early high school. I was curled in a ball on the floor during youth group. The band was singing a song called "Overwhelmed". Here are the lyrics.

I am nothing, yet you bid me, come to you, oh Lord Almighty
As I come I'm overwhelmed with You.
Humbly now, I break the silence, as I'm weeping, in your presence
I'm so wretched, overwhelmed with You

Your blood, of redemption, is covering my shame
Your voice, that shakes the heavens, is whispring my name
As you catch my tears, with Your nail scared hands

I'm overwhelmed,
I'm overwhelmed with you
I'm overwhelmed,
I'm overwhelmed with you.


These words popped into my head this afternoon as I thought through all that I'm sharing.

These words are exactly how I feel.